Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Carbondale Proves Marion Doesn't Know S***

Taking President Obama's recent inaugural speech to heart, particularly the "We will restore science to its rightful place..." line, Carbondale Mayor Brad Cole launched an all-out attack on Marion's well-known "Hub of the Universe" claim.

"As it turns out," Cole said, "there is no center to the universe. My advisers tell me that the Universe we inhabit is homogeneously expanding from all points, rather than radiating from a single center."

Cole acknowledged the futility of explaining this principle, which seems to go against common perceptions, to Marion Mayor Bob Butler.

"You have to remember that this man grew up in an age when the moon was still worshipped as a silver llama whose tears made the land fertile," Cole snorted. "How can I explain the curvature of the Universe to someone clearly using a two-dimensional Hub Model for his cosmological system? It's a fool's errand."

City Councilman Chris Wissmann said Carbondale's up-to-date understanding of cosmological principles would be great for boosting tourism.

"If there's no center, then Carbondale is just as good as anywhere else," he stated. "I hear The Met has a new Babylonian exhibit coming to New York City. That should be great for us. We're hoping to see some of those tourist dollars here in Southern Illinois."

But Marion city officials aren't planning to give up without a fight. Butler said Cole's protest was pure bunk.

"Look at that llama in the sky," Butler shouted as he pointed at the moon. "Whenever I ride in the car, it follows right along with me. If that's not proof, I don't know what is."

(This blog entry was written as part of the 5th Annual Rabbit Hole Day, a blog-holiday in honor of Lewis Carrol. Bloggers are encouraged to write in a different style, or in a fantastical manner, stepping outside our reality for the duration of the day. For more information, see the original post at Scribbles and Lies. Thanks also to Phil Plait, NASA's "Space Place," and Usenet Physics mod Philip Gibbs.

In this particular instance, y'all should aim for a bit more transparency when it comes to your posts. This would be a whole lot funnier, and your point much, much more poignant, if such an "Onion-esque" post was apparent from the git-go. As the old saying goes, "it ain't funny if you have to explain it."

I'm a regular reader of this blog, and of average (at best) intelligence, but it took me an extra take before I realized that the "funny" fix was in. By that time, the moment was lost. It's all about the context (and the audience) my friends.

Lastly, I like the idea of Rabbit Hole Day, but I'm a big advocate of "National Say What You Want Day," in which folks of all stripes of life can actually say what they want, without fear of reprisal. That would be sweet indeed.
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